They Will Write His Name in the Sky...or...I will...

So, this happened earlier in the day, but I've been weeping up until now. I'm going to try and get through this, but I'm not promising anything folks. I'm an emotional man, you know how it goes. I had my hopes that Paul Bissonnette would make the team this season. Granted, these hopes were equivalent to the hopes that I'll make it with Rosario Dawson, but I had them none the less. With Godard and Rupp on the team though, it seemed as though Biz Nasty was destined to never suit up for the Pittsburgh Penguins on a regular basis. Alas, it is the reason I will never coach an NHL team. Not just because I can't skate very well, but also because there would be too many goons on my squads.

The waiver wire has been a friend of mine in recent memory. Today, she broke my heart. Months ago, many will remember Miro Satan sitting on the waiver wire. It comes as a surprise, but I adored Satan before he beat Patrick Eaves face in. He made it through and arrived safely with the Baby Penguins and was therefore able to return to apply his fists and smirks to the Carolina Hurricanes.


[AP]

What a pimp, look at that fucking smirk. Anyway.

As we all know, today the waiver wire dug its knife into my back. I knew Bissonnette wasn't going to make the squad, but I never thought someone would claim him off waivers, I thought he'd safely return to the AHL. It is no small amount of homerism that let me do that. Bissonnette is a man who has worked his ass off trying to get to the NHL. Before he was an enforcer, he had remade himself as a forward, before that he was a defenseman. He spent time toiling away in Wheeling, he ate up whatever minutes he could in WBS, everything to try to gain a roster spot in the NHL. Are you ready to see this? Only, instead of black and gold...it's brick red (hey, that's what it says), black, white, and sand (that's not a color either).


[AP]

Sad times...

With Phoenix, he's finally going to play night in, night out at the NHL level. It is still an incredibly sad thing to see because there is no time for the wounds to heal. The only possible way for this to be worse would have been if the New York Rangers or the New York Islanders had picked him up. For you clownshoes not paying attention, those are our two games before we take on the Coyotes at home on October 7th.

On that date, I hope your hearts are healed, because I'm not sure mine will be. I won't know what to do when Godard and Bissonnette throw down, preferably at center ice. I know in my head and heart already how this battle will take place. Old Lady Mellon will open her roof and a violent thunderstorm will be raging overhead, thunder and lightning, rain crashing down on the combatants. Their faces would not be streaked with just rain, but tears as well, as two men, friends off the battlefield, but enemies upon, lay knuckle and bone upon each other. There would be cliched lines of mercenaries just fighting on the wrong side this time and how they're just doing their job as they grab hold of their opponent's jersey with one hand and hold their own high ready to strike. Through this entire struggle, as the benches look on, not even knowing the magnitude of what they are watching, this is playing...



Godspeed, Bissonnette. Godspeed.

The Growing Rivalry - Franzén is Still a Joke

You know, when I first started watching the Penguins game yesterday, I didn't really care. It was the end of the preseason, my boy Bissonnette was probably going to get sent back down to the minors despite having a huge preseason because of Godard and Rupp already being on the team, douche bags from Detroit were talking about my team like they were a bunch of clowns, just all around bad news. But, then, something glorious happened in a 3rd period of a game that was otherwise nobody caring, well, I mean, especially if we're going off those slim few that came out for the defending Western Conference Champions in Detroit (Hockeytown Indeed), my man Chris Kunitz reminded everyone that in his heart, he's still a Western Conference boy with venom in his blood.

We'll set the stage, like it's some sort of dramatic one act play. Johan Franzén, the stalwart of humanity he is, decides it's a good time to strike at the Penguins, deciding to go after the long haired lady killer, one Kris Letang. Now, if this game was in Pittsburgh, what happened next wouldn't have had a chance to happen. Roughly 90 percent of the female population in the Igloo would have beaten any Penguin to the punch and Franzén would've found himself dealing with some pissed off women. However, since the game was in Detroit and the Joe wasn't even 90 percent full period, the Penguins had to handle their business themselves.

Apparently, Franzén believed that Guerin was going to be the only Penguin after him after he dropped another Penguin to the ice with a cross check to the throat, mind boggling. Guerin skates at him, gets tangled up with another Wing momentarily, and Franzén seemingly thinks that it's all over. Really? Cross check a dude twice high, put him on his knees, and you think that's the only retribution that's coming your way? Enter Chris Kunitz, and enter this chaos that follows:


[Penguins Website, by way of the fine bitches over at Puck Huffers]

Chris Kunitz rolls in, gloves already off, ready for a good scrap and tackles an unbeknown Franzén who then gets Bill Guerin ontop of him as an added bonus with only tiny Brian Rafalski there to try and save him. Of course, since the only televised feed of this is the Detroit feed, we get some tasty homer style broadcasting. Cries of how it's dangerous that Kunitz came after him like that are repeated over and over. Though, then again, I guess it's true that it would be dangerous for "The Mule." I mean, the guy is used to going after people he's three inches taller than and has 20 pounds on. Either that or he's used to diving to the ice after taking a hit once he sees the ref when he turns around...



On the replay, it's like you can see Franzén's thought process laid out in full: "Man...that guy smacked me in the head...OH! Hey ref! OH MY FACE!" Literally in one shot he does a fucking double take at the ref before he drops to the ice, clutching his face. I assume the conversation between him and the trainer went something like this: "So, did a draw a penalty? Hope I didn't get one for diving..." Joke.

So yeah, I guess it would be dangerous for Franzén in this case. He's not ripping mouth guards out of smaller players' mouths or going after guys half his size, he actually had to defend himself for a few terrible seconds. Maybe that's why Kunitz caught him off guard, Franzén had no idea that could actually happen. The poor boy...

Later on (because we all know one good scrum deserves another), we find the hero of tGB, Eric Godard, with Mattias Ritola's life in his hands. RIIIIIIITOLA makes the mistake of the century by pairing off with Eric Godard during a scrum by the benches:


[Penguins Website, by way of the fine bitches over at Puck Huffers]

Everyone paired off after a hit near the bench and Brooks Orpik starting to throw Red Wings to the ice like he was a Scotsman at a caber toss. However, I take this moment to tip my hat to the linesmen of the NHL. These boys are essentially rodeo clowns when the gloves come off, having to dive in at a split second's notice to break something up before it turns ugly...well...uglier. RIIIIIIITOLA knows about the second he grabs Godard's jersey that it's going to only end badly for him and is basically saved by the linesman getting in between them.

I realize this a preseason game, I realize I talked about how the game didn't even matter, but really, when you see the scrums at the end of the game, Guerin, Kunitz, Orpik, and Godard all mixing it up, it warms my heart. Certainly this is a rivalry that is growing by the day and even though these teams barely play each other, the hate is there. All we really need is a hit on Draper to blow the top off of it.

Though, then again, he'd probably still be more pissed that Crosby didn't shake someone's hand...

The Press Need to Learn From the Leafs

Really AP? Really Reuters? Scrums? Godard pushing around Nikita Filatov? Four Misconduct penalties? Six Fights (Including firsts for a few new Penguins and Bissonnette in two), and other various roughing calls to the likes of Godard and Rupp, and you give me nothing? Fuck you, press. Unfortunately for me and my readers, I don't exactly have a grounded imagination. While the radio broadcasters are attempting to describe a hockey fight, my mind has already wandered off to stuff like this in imagining who my Penguin is fighting:



So, really, for the sake of proper discussion of goonery, I'm going to need you to cooperate with me or else we're just going to see dinosaurs with lasers all the time. Granted, this isn't exactly a bad thing but this isn't a blog about Dinosaur Lasers, as much as that blog should exist.

Uh...anyway. It really was a classic case of a game not really mattering that got away and fell into goonery. Had the score not been what it was, we wouldn't have seen...or, in our case, heard, what happened out on the ice wouldn't have happened. Eric Godard and Mike Rupp wouldn't have been running around trying to take people's heads off and everyone would've made nice. It's not necessarily as true here, because we aren't rivals with Columbus (as much as I'd like to be), because they're in the Western Conference, but this is a clear cut case of message sending.

As any hockey fan will tell you, it's all about respect and honor in the NHL. When the score starts to get stretched, there's going to be a response to make sure that the other team knows that you're not going to get walked over. So out come the brick throwers and all around pests late in the game: Cooke, Engelland, Godard, and Rupp. All of these guys got some sweet sweet penalty action late in the game. While there's really nothing doing when it's sending a message to Columbus (we're not going to play them as much as Philly exactly), it still matters. Filatov will remember Godard running him next time he plays us.

However! For your viewing pleasure I do have one absolutely hysterical thing to post. But, first, the sweet, sweet back story: it's the playoffs last season, New York Rangers are in the process of blowing their series against the Washington Capitals. Henrik Lundqvist is giving up more goals high than your mom (I don't know what that means). Then, good old Donald Brasher decided it'd be a good idea to throw some elbows at Blair Betts, knocking him something fierce, the funny thing is the Rangers got penalties for responding. Oh, but it gets better. This free agent period the New York Rangers lost their tough guy, Colton Orr, to the Toronto Maple Leafs. So, who'd they go out and sign? Donald Brashear. Classic. Maybe the Avalanche can sign Todd Bertuzzi? Obviously, a bit of exaggeration, but the analogy makes sense, why sign a player fans hate? But, here is where it gets hysterical. I'll just let the moving pictures do the work now:



Round One? Absolutely Hysterical. Brashear gets side stepped and pummeled. Booed by the "faithful" of the New York Rangers. Round Two? Still Hysterical. Oh you fickle, fickle, New Yorkers. "Guess what? Fans like Donald Brashear now."

Well, at least until he runs into another fighter who doesn't want to put up with his clutch style of fighting...

It's Like Toronto is Outside My Window Playing "In Your Eyes."

John Cusack is a good man, wouldn't you agree? He tries to be good to his lady types and what not even if he's kind of a jackass, he always attempts to get back with the woman he should be with by the end of the 3 hour adventure. Last night, Toronto attempted to pull a John Cusack and get back in my good graces. The press, on the other hand, is in the dog house now for having no sweet pictures of the fights, so we're going to go that fancy Youtube in order to get our carnage.

What we saw tonight is exactly how teams are going to get played by the Maple Leafs and how teams absolutely must respond. We'll start with the Paul Bissonnette fight against Jay Rosehill.



And here it is in black and white. The Penguins were leading and in control of the game, and a simple hit by Paul Bissonnette on Francois Beauchemin leads to an attempt by Jay Rosehill to change the momentum for the Leafs. This is something that will happen in every single game against the Leafs and while an attempt at a momentum shift is something that is a primary reason to fight, it's going to happen constantly with Toronto. If someone doesn't throw down, we're going to see bullshit like what Mike Komisarek did.



That the Penguins were on the wrong side of the penalties after this fight is absolutely ridiculous. Komisarek goes from boarding Matt Cooke to mugging Jordan Staal. Staal's a fucking pimp though because once the whole, Komisarek jumping him got past, Staal took control of the fight and ended up on top of Komisarek. Much like gay sex, the guy on top is the dominant one.

Paul Bissonnette, in between working his ass off to make the NHL roster (and it's a testament to him that he is still on the team after the first AHL send downs), tied in being a total badass to protect his teammate, Tim "The Alaskan Storm" Wallace. Wallace can totally protect himself, mostly because I'm pretty sure he was raised fighting Red King Crabs in Alaska, but also because he's thrown down with the likes of Milan Lucic and is no stranger to fisticuffs. Bissonntte understands that, but he still comes riding to the defense, because that's what this team does, whether it's Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby, or the goons like Godard and Paul here.



This is why you fight, so people think twice before lighting up your teammates. Against teams like Toronto this season, this is paramount.

So, Toronto, you have attempted to win back my favor with 3 fights after giving me table scraps and then cheating on me, eh? I don't know if I'm gonna buy it just yet. You guys should invest in a boom-box and some Peter Gabriel, you know where my window is, right?

Like Finding your Best Friend Nailing your Woman

Seriously, Flyers, Leafs, what the fuck are you doing to me? I see you getting all up in Toronto's business, Philadelphia, don't think I don't, we'll see how into I am when you start dropping the gloves with Godard and Rupp later this season. After a night of begging and pleading for insanity to go down when my boys are playing you Toronto, you pull this on me? I serenaded you, you bastards and you go stepping out to find the the drunk slut of goonery, the Philadelphia Flyers?

Fighting with the Philadelphia Flyers is like bagging the drunkest girl at the bar. The analogy gets a little murky though because, instead of the drunk girl thinking you're Ron Jeremy, the king of pornstars, the Philadelphia Flyers think you're some King of Goonery like Stu Grimson or Tie Domi. The Leafs, alas, are not. Last night showed me as much.

Yet, here those bastards are, cheating on me, with the other team in my state no less!

Let's go to the pictures...


[AP]

Our goons would have treated you with class, Toronto. Apparently, you'd rather have Carcillo jumping all over your shit while you're trying to do the honorable thing and go man vs. man. It's like you're trying to study for your big exam, but all your roommate is doing is playing Blue Swede's, "Hooked on a Feeling," over and over again. That's the "Ooga-Chaka," song for you clowns that don't know. You're trying to concentrate on your business or have a nice dance, not grab anything you're not supposed to, then Carcillo jumps all over you. Mike Rupp asked you politely to dance last night, Exelby, where were you then? Too busy thinking about the following night's two on one it seemed, slut.


[AP]

I. Love. Line. Brawls. How can you not love what is going on in this picture? There's actually four Flyers in this picture if you sift through all the mayhem. It's like "Where's Waldo," except instead of looking for the naked chick on the one beach picture in "Where's Waldo," (and you know you looked fucking long and hard for it when you were 9), you're trying to find the Flyer about to get his shit ruined the most. You know what I don't love, though? Line brawls with teams I want to have line brawls with. You ever see, "Old School?" Right now, it's the beginning of the movie, and me and my want for the Penguins in sweet fights are Luke Wilson. We've come home to see my fight, only to be treated to Darroll Powe uttering this line when we open the door.

"I'm here for the gangbang..."

Sluts.

Disappointment at its Finest

You know what Toronto? You're never going to get another sweet post about how I think you're a bunch of collective badasses ever again. Sure, I might rant about Tie Domi at some point, but you guys as a team? Fat chance. Seriously, I'm about as disappointed as a woman is after a night with me right now. Let's go back and look at the two nights prior to tonight. Boston and Toronto had a bunch of sweet fights. Let's go back and look at last night. Philadelphia and Toronto had a bunch of sweet fights. Now, let's look at tonight:



NOTHING.

OK, OK, fine, maybe not nothing, I mean, Evgeni Malkin did do some pretty badass stuff. Malkin stepping up for Luca Caputi in the second period is what everyone is going to have to do against a team like Toronto because they will have people on every line and on every defensive pair willing to start shit. The Pens aren't strangers to this. I'm sure everyone recalls Sidney Crosby going right after Keith Ballard after he low bridged Malkin during a Panthers game last year. Presenting Evgeni Malkin doing his Ivan Drago impersonation.

First, though, there needs to be some background information. Evgeni Malkin isn't going to go all Ivan Drago for no reason, there's gotta be a reason, right? Don't worry, there is.


[AP]

Now, granted, this looks as though Luca Caputi could just be trying out for a figure skating team, (and judging by how often he was getting knocked around tonight, maybe he should be, woo), but this was a product of Ian White coming in a little too low with a hip check, and, if you're Evgeni Malkin, a little too close to his linemate's knees. Naturally, that lead to this:


[Reuters]

I must break you. Now, here's where it doesn't get as cool, because there's nothing I'd love to post more than a picture of Malkin punching White in the face with a caption of, "If he dies, he dies." Unfortunately, all we have is this:


[AP]

Um....if he's uncomfortable...he's uncomfortable? Vomit.

Meanwhile! You've got these sweet things going on around the league!


[AP]

Probably my favorite fight picture since Miro Satan with a big grin on his face laying some bricks. The blood on Tristan Grant's face and knuckles? Amazing.



Now...while I love Zenon Konopka, if only based on his sweet name, it's about to be bad news in this picture. Have you ever been in a situation like, your drunk friend has picked a fight with the wrong dude at the bar, your girlfriend just found your hidden porn cache on the computer, (the crazy shit), or you have a mid-term in ten minutes and you just woke up from a hard night of drinking? That's Konopka's situation right then. Look at that fist.


[AP]

Even the fucking Sharks were fighting! Do you know what's it like to be stood up by the Sharks? It's insanity is what it is! The Sharks are such babies and quitters that they even traded to get the biggest one in the entire league on their team!

Do you know what this all amounts to tonight, Pittsburgh, Toronto? Do you know what it makes you?

Cock. Teases.

And no, before any of you say anything, Biz Nasty's "fight" doesn't count.

The New and Improved(?) Toronto Maple Leafs

There are certain things that are just going to happen in life. Off the top of my head; the Pittsburgh Pirates losing, premature ejaculation, and taxes. Tonight, I'm adding something to my list: a team created by Brian Burke being a bunch of fighting bastards.

They used to say things about the Pittsburgh Steelers that didn't include "Greatest NFL Franchise." In the days prior to the 1970s, and yes, the Steelers did exist before then, they didn't win often, but they would knock the blood Hell out of every team they played. I'm not exactly sure about the talent level of the Toronto Maple Leafs, but I have a feeling that playing them is going to be much in the same way.

Tonight the Leafs played the Bruins, and Brian Burke's subtle...OK, obvious touch of goonery showed greatly. Take a look at the box score, ladies and gentlemen.

First Period: Two fighting majors and a kneeing minor.

Second Period: Fighting Major, Tripping, Interference.

Third Period: Fighting Major, Roughing, Interference.

Phil Oreskovic got in two fights all on his own. 10 games played last year, two fights in one preseason game? It's like you're serenading Burke, Oreskovic...


[ESPN]

I mean...I'm not exactly sure what's going on in this picture, but helmets are flying about and there are fists in it, so I'm going to assume a fight.

This is quite the opposite of what appears to be going on in one of the other fights in the game...


[ESPN]

Apparently, Steve Bégin just got dumped. The poor boy is crying on his good friend Andre Deveaux's shoulder. Burke is not pleased, Andre.

Penguins fans will remember Deveaux for a different reason. Actually, you might not because you may have turned the game off already. It's OK, no one would have given you shit about it. After an entire night of Eric Godard trying to get Andre Deveaux into a fight, Deveaux instead decides to fight "some Russian," (Don Cherry's words, not mine), in Ruslan Fedotenko. What a tough guy. With Steve Bégin being only 5'11", Deveaux's 6'3" behind seems to be continuing his wonderful style of fighting men smaller than him.

So, what can we expect from the Toronto Maple Leafs? Fights and tough hitting. I'm sure the smarter among you have noticed I haven't even mentioned Mike Komisarek. Komisarek won't goon it up as much, according to www.hockeyfights.com he only has 16 career fights at the NHL, with a career high of 5. That doesn't change the fact that he'll be a tough guy to play against. He's going to throw some massive checks and have plenty of people ready to answer if the bell if any are dirty.

Oh...and right...they have some guy named Colton Orr too...

Bring your ice packs when the Pens play the Leafs this season, they're gonna be needed.

Long Dormant, Trying This Again

So, good lord, do I feel like a total "Goon", (I think that pun gave me internal bleeding), for totally forgetting about this place. You know how it is, big time plans, going to do great things, but then this or that happens. The Pens great season happened for me, and I got swept up in it, but I've returned now to actually make an attempt at this blog, because it's something I really wanted to do but got away from. That aside, let's try to start this a new with a new season, it's great to have puck back in my life.

Tonight we saw the glorious return of the Pittsburgh Penguins. They did something pretty important last year, but it's just that now, last year. 9 goals in the game, that's kind of cute, but here, we're more concerned with the good stuff. The fights, let's get to it.

It's the pre-season, boys and girls, which means one thing for the goon: Job Security.

Ross Bernstein's The Code: The Unwritten Rules of Fighting and Retaliation in the NHL, can basically be used like a textbook here. Young guys are going to try to make a name for themselves, and the big way to do that? Go after a big star and/or fight. I don't need to remind my fellow Penguins fans of the name David Koci. The man was essentially the reason we had some of our struggles after putting Gonchar on the shelf. He then stepped up and fought Eric Godard to boot. And you know what kids? People remember that, and if you look at the Colorado Avalanche's roster this season? Guess whose name you'll see? No...go on, guess, I can wait...

Got it? No?

David Koci. A man who was a career AHLer could easily see an entire season in the NHL with the Avalanche because of that one pre-season game. Though, it certainly doesn't hurt that the Avalanche aren't exactly a good team either...

So! What does that say about tonight? It says three guys who haven't seen big time NHL time are trying to do anything to get on the team.

We'll start, of course, with my main man Eric Godard. Now, mind you folks, I'm listening to this game, going of of what people who saw it live said, and photographs. Not exactly journalism, but I'm not writing for the PPG either. Anyhoo, our night with Eric Godard begins with what I believe the creation of what would come later: Puck Retriever. According to my dear, dear, friend over at Puck Huffers, (check 'em out, jokes), Godard replaced the usual suspect Kris Letang as the clean-up crew, snagging all the pucks from the net before the game. Perhaps Godard didn't like being whipping boy? Who's to say?

After his usual rabble rousing and a two minute roughing minor, Godard finally found himself a dance partner:



Thanks to fleuryous, a longtime cblogger over at tPB, (check them out too, for that matter), for the shot. The calm before the storm, as it were. Godard's partner is Tom Sestito, a 21 year old ragamuffin with one, count 'em, one career NHL game and two seasons in the AHL. Kid's just trying to make a name for himself, and who better to go after than one of the baddest dudes in the NHL?

Really though, one has to wonder why Godard needs to fight, his title as King Enforcer for the Penguins is secured right? Well...not if Deryk Engelland has anything to say about it. Engelland is another in a long line of legendary, (And yes, I do mean that.), AHL enforcers who never can quite crack it at the NHL. My personal favorite is Dennis Bonvie, but I'm sure there will be more on him in the time to come. For now, I give you Engelland, doing what he does best...


[ESPN]

For those of you who can remember Black Sheep: Alive...Alive....Alive....DEAD.


[Snagged from tPB]

Fist, have you met my friend, Doug Lynch's face? Let me introduce you to him, repeatedly.

Perhaps though, Eric Godard has little to fear, as poor Douggie Lynch was playing in an Austrian Hockey League last year, the poor soul. This, however, is why Pre-Season hockey is exciting. While you'll see guys like Evgeni Malkin sitting out, their position obvious, you'll see guys like Tom Sestito, Deryk Engelland, and Doug Lynch fighting. Not just fighting for the sake of a fight, as we'll see through the regular season when the game is getting a little boring, but fighting for their careers, fighting for a job.

You got to love that.